Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Simply complicated

Nothing is ever easy. Nothing is black and white. Everything is just as easy as calling it what it is: messy, difficult, wonderful, complicated, beautiful, easy and hard and everything all at once. 
In the end we are all just people, all learning and changing in the same time wave. A flow of atoms encountering others in a vast endless space and wondering what the fuck it's all for. 
I personally haven't come up with any compelling answers yet. You?
Anyway, just in case I die and didn't get the chance to tell you: I love you. I always will. Love transcends reality, I truly believe that. Meet me in your dreams, and I will be waiting. 

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Her angsty thighs and my cool blue eyes

My heart hurts.  It's this feeling when she smiles... I just want her to forget all her concerns.  I want her to shed the world from her shoulders, breathe deep, lose herself.

This happens to me every time.  We both know it won't last forever.  We both know to enjoy it while it lasts.  But there's a wrench in the works, pulling my threads apart.  Neither of us knows a thing.

Maybe it's just that thing where I make up a thing to be heartbroken about.  It's probably that.  I have always loved the satisfying fullness of angst.  And her fullness satisfies my need for angst very well.

Friday, January 8, 2016

Friendship, Changes, Loneliness, Hunger Pangs, Etc.

Everything is different now.

I guess that's a good thing.  Change is important.  It teaches us who we are and why we are and all that stuff.

I guess I'm feeling emotional.  I don't know how to do this writing thing anymore.  But for the first time in my life, I kinda feel like I have one.  A life, that is.  I'm so busy these days I can barely keep up.  I have friends.  People I actually, genuinely care to spend time with.  People I have inside jokes with.  I kind of thought I had lost that forever there for a while.  But there's a type of deep loneliness that comes from spending too much time with other people and not enough time talking to your own brain.  I find myself looking for excuses to drive a long way just so I can have some time in the car to spend in silence or to sing a sad song or to just roll the windows down and take a few deep breaths.

2016 is going to be a very hectic year.  The thought of it makes me want to go into hibernation.  But also I'm excited because there's a lot of good things happening.  Babies.  Travel adventures.  Life milestone achievements and whatnot.  It's just difficult sometimes to take all of that in and process it all.

Last year we moved into our house.  We had our first WHOLE family christmas there.  My best friend bought a house and had a baby.  My mom is selling the Subway.  My dad is in Ireland for six months on business.  Jobs are different.  Lives are different.  People are finally starting to do better again it seems.  But still our hearts wax heavy about it.

Winter is hard and long and grey.  Cars crash and people break.  Don't waste time.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

The dog, the cat, and the other dog

As I get older, I'm starting to see this horrible duality in life. They say that you can't truly understand pleasure without pain. What they don't tell you is that those things which give you pleasure are sometimes (often times, even) the exact same things which will cause you the most pain. Simultaneously. Separately. Surprisingly. Nothing is ever what you think it will be. Nothing will ruin your confidence faster than just being yourself and living with your own damn choices. 
Your moments of happiness will be like non-reality, a movie played before you with this horrible background music, a static reminder of the truth of everything. The immense suffering that exists In every corner of the world. The knowledge of your own helplessness. The kind of realization that makes your body hurt, and you cannot comfort it away. 
Sometimes a week will pass in a dream state of forgetting. You can't remember what day it is, the joy in your heart like a drug pumping through you and you can't feel a thing. Numb to the world. Two weeks. Maybe a third. And then you'll be sitting there on your cloud with the holes in your head filled with smoke and you'll suddenly remember everything. The sky falling, the trees bending down, the earth suddenly less than solid, untrustworthy. Fear ripping through you, your hands working on their own. Your heart beating on it's own. Reality churning on indifferently.  And you- the part of you that you-er than you- left behind, somewhere in an invisible space. Living in mirrors and sleep and memory. Screaming where no one can hear you, not even your self. 

The first dog? He's a good boy. A thoughtful, loyal, but broken soul. My soulmate. We are perfect at suffering together. We suffer all the time.
The cat? He made me cry. He made me suffer too. He gave me bruises and pain and pleasure - a lesson or two on life. In my mind he's still driving in the dark to a destination he-knows-not-where and that's ok with me. I can visit him in dreams few and far between. I can make him into poetry. I can fold him up in pages of books and put him away. 
The other dog? I just don't know. 
Each person in my life is like a story unfolding. Does it have a sad ending? Almost certainly. Stories with dogs in them always have a sad ending. It's just one of the few things in life you can count on. That, and the inevitability of death. 
But in the wake of death there is always the potential for new life. The universe seems to find a way to fill that space with something and the cycle continues.  In the wake of my sadness is there potential for new happiness? Will my life last long enough to get to the good part? Or will I die, like billions of other humans in history, full of regret and pain and a hunger that can't be fulfilled? 

Thursday, January 10, 2013

I don't know.

Do you ever have one of those times where you just feel like biting your own skin off?  Just digging that little chipped tooth down to ragged bone and yanking like an angry dog?
Lately, I hate everything.
It’s not an uncommon mood for me to be in, really.  But I am in an uncommon kind of hate-everything mood.  My life is full of unfair dichotomies.  Situations where both options make no sense.  Miserable paradoxes made of fragile cloth, torn upon the weight of my eyes watching.  I hate observational bias.  It complicates everything.

My body aches with feeling.  I hate it when my brain gets this much control over me.  Makes me feel so vulnerable.  Makes me wish I could just shut off everything that makes me ME and robot on with it, making the monies, paying the billz, being an idiot like everyone else.
I spend enough time shutting my brain off as it is.

So for the last few days I’ve been in a manic state.  Cleaning and organizing and thinking and being mad at things until they are better.  I’ve been really mad.
I’m REALLY FUCKING ANGRY.  I don’t have better words to explain.  I just.  Fucking.  Hate.  This.

Every solution that has been proffered by a person attempting to help has only served to make me angrier.  They just don’t understand what the fucking PROBLEM is.  It’s not this job that I hate.  It’s EVERY job.  It’s not that I don’t have enough money; it’s that I don’t believe in money.  I DON’T FUCKING BELIEVE IN YOUR WORLD.
I don’t fucking belong here.  I am sick of pretending like I do.  I am sick of the fucking script, the expectations, the rules, the bureaucracy, the bullshit.  I’m just sick of everyone and everything.

I am sick of feeling sad.  Sadness is weakness.  Now, all that’s left is anger.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Fuck All Y'all.

I'm listening to a mixed CD I made for an old friend.  I'm luxuriating in how sad it is, the situation and the music.  I've always enjoyed indulging my depression.  Today, I feel especially indulgent.  So forgive me if this end-of-year post is tinged with darkness.  2012 really wasn't the worst ever.  Things are moving along.

Stuff I did in 2012:

The biggest and most obvious, I got married.  Nathan and I are now legally bonded, I have the paperwork to prove it.  And damn, is there a fuck-load of paperwork.  D'you know how expensive it is to change your name?!  It's the stupidest.  Further evidence in my case against "the system."  It is difficult to live and function inside a system you don't agree with.  But, regardless, I feel quite comfortable and pleased to call myself Nathan's wife and he, my husband.  It feels good to know that "they" can't separate us, not really.  I spend a lot of time being afraid, and knowing that Nathan and I are now "official" makes me less afraid.  Less afraid of the machine that gnaws at us.
Oh yeah, and the wedding was very beautiful.


My best friend got married!  Nathan and I baked the cake.  It was a big job, but it was pretty damn tasty if I don't say so myself.

A good friend of mine was arrested and spent some time in jail.  It was an extremely upsetting and uncomfortable time, during which I experienced a lot of that fear I was just talking about.  The law can be a very scary force to be on the other side of.  What they can do to you, or not do... it's chilling.  It's downright terrifying.  He is out now.  When I first saw him after he was out, my stomach cramped up into a ball.  Taking people away is a horrible thing which should be reserved for only the most heinous crimes, and this "system".... it's not fair.  It's not fair, and it's not fixable.  I'm starting to think all you can really do is keep your head down and try not to be noticed.

I improved my sewing skills significantly.  I also learned a new craft: embroidery.  I like it.  It is meditative and slow and satisfying aesthetically.


Let's not forget about how fucking awesome my wedding dress was! (That I made, thank you very much!  Using lace from my mom's wedding dress <3 p="p">

Also, we saw a really cool and strange rainbow-type thing in the sky at some point and that was fun.

I did more crochet; I grew a garden; I baked some damn pies; yada yada yada.

Seadogs, Tortuga, Tattoos, yadayadayahyhahyhahyhahaaaa..

I listened to a whole fucking lot of these guys: Die Antwoord

On the whole, as aforementioned, not the worst year ever.  But I'm still hoping 2013 will be better.  Duh.

Basically, my only goal this time is to start treating myself better.  Because: fuck all y'all.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

sun god abandoned?

I am an optimist.  I really am.  It's funny to me when people say that to me, because I'd never automatically self-describe as an optimist.  But I do, generally, try to look at the world with a glass-half-full attitude.

I was thinking to myself today: I feel like I am at the bottom of a deep, dark pit.  Most people would call that depression.  At the moment, I just feel like it's realism.  Various aspects of my situation (namely, $$ or lack thereof) are preventing me from achieving my goals (namely, happiness).
My life is busy and cluttered.  My physical space reflects my internal state.  Garbage everywhere.  Disposable containers.  An inability to exert enough energy to even get the stuff off the carpet to vacuum underneath it.  It's sad, in here and out.
My projects are falling by the wayside.  My crafts are half-hearted.  My hands are tired by the task.
Every other thought in my head is "I don't know what to do."  The few friends I do have are ripped from me in one way or another and the close friends I used to have are now far, far, far.
I sleep a lot.
I used to like to sleep.  Now I sleep just to get out of my head.  Sometimes I dream of nice things.  Sometimes I don't.  But it always seems worth the gamble to me.  When my mind is at a loss.  Neurons firing in the dark.
I crunch up my body on the couch and try to be small.  Small as a dog.  Small as a pillow.  Smaller than small.  I try to not exist.
It used to be easy, didn't it?  Or was it always this hard?  Do we forget and remember and forget again? I'd like to forget.
I'm dizzy with the lack of daylight.  The sun god abandoned?  I don't like the blue light of mankind.  I don't like how it stains the sky and clouds and makes my city look dead.
I feel alone.